1) I have not quit on my recovery, though I have been quiet for a little while. This silence has been
calculated and very much on purpose.
2) I'm back, so get over it.
I think I needed some time to really fuel the fire of my recovery before any further public proclamations of what I'm doing or learning through this insane process. I've had lots of time now to think, learn, improve, and even mess up a few times. Alas, I have not been perfect. I can own up to that bad boy. But the angels in Heaven as my witness, I am working hard to get to where I need to be--harder than I have ever worked before.
It's been many years coming. I mean, I've spent a lot of time looking for a reason to be motivated enough to beat my addiction. I've always known that I need to beat it, and that I would one day conquer it. I've just never had the self-motivation to really own that recovery all the way. It's been the classic "I want to want it" scenario going on. (P.S. That's a really frustrating place to be, cuz everyone be all like, "Spencer! You should want it now!" and I'm all like, "I want to want it....but I don't want it yet!" That's really confusing what I just said, but that's why it's so frustrating. The end.) I have a wise friend, though, who for the last several months has told me I would soon find my reason to really WANT recovery. Like, not just want to play around with the idea of recovering. This reason would make me want to recover. All the way. Like a boss.
I say that this friend is very wise, because his little prophecy, if I may call it that, has come true. I have found my reason.
I'm not here today to talk about my reason.
Ok, I'll admit, I really wanted an excuse to type a dramatic one-liner right there. But seriously, I don't want to talk about my reason today. I want to talk about something entirely different but completely interwoven with the desire to actually recover, and the accompanying motivation to do so: that is the increased and inevitable resistance that tries to stop every forward step and keep me exactly where I'm at and/or tries to push me backwards.
Have you ever found yourself in an intense wind storm; one of those where you can lean into the wind and it will support your body weight? It's pretty much the funnest thing to do ever, until the wind inexplicably stops blowing and you fall flat on your face. But that's not the point. The point is: resistance. Ever since I found my reason to recover, and was told by God in some pretty audible ways that the time has come to be a boss, the wind has been blowing hard against me; so hard that leaning foward is not even fun because instead I'm under constant threat of getting picked up and blown away into windy oblivion.
Is this a stressful state to be in? You bet it is! It's terrifying! But there's two things I take from it: first, I need to be more careful than I ever have been. My recovery is fragile right now, and will take diligent maintenance to keep it moving in a forward direction. Second, I must be doing something right, else why would a certain evil jerk (*cough cough Satan*) be wasting his time to come after me and try to throw me off track? Thus, there is actually a positive side to resistance. It's really just proof that I'm doing what I need to do. I'm finally facing the darker side of my life and putting it in its place, one day at a time.
This is hard to do, though, facing one's personal dark side. Thus, the hardest war to fight. I am finally in the hardest stage of addiction recovery, and that is the fight against myself and my personal demons. The devil and I are putting on a fight show. Fists are getting wrapped and the spectators are filling the seats. Maybe it will be shown on pay-per-view! The point is, it's finally getting real. He and I stand face-to-face, and the more determined one will emerge the victor. Good news though! I have the best coach that one can imagine standing in my corner. Christ recognizes my weaknesses and is constantly shouting directions and advice to help me deal the better punch or effectively block the attacks coming my way. He's a coach with high expectations. He does not intend to see me lose this fight. But He also recognizes that I may lose a couple rounds. I may take some hard hits. He knows I'm not a perfect fighter; but He's taught me to get back up and fight a better round. And with His help, I will win.
It's going to be hard. I'm not dancing around that. This will be the hardest thing I have ever accomplished in my life, mostly because now I'm facing my own self-doubts and the demonic voices in my head that scream that I will lose. I face those voices every day. Every minute of every day. But I don't believe I am the only one fighting that fight. If only we could truly understand what everybody around us is going through. I suspect that at some point, we all fight those voices and those personal demons. We're all fighting the hardest war. But we can emerge victorious. And I for one intend to do just that.
I'm not yet where I want to ultimately be. I'm still in the midst of that process. But I am on my way. I feel a determination and drive stronger than I have ever felt before to get to where I need to be. It's going to be a hard road. But I will travel it, and I will arrive where God intends me to go.
Also, it's good to be back. Expect to hear some more from me in the near future....because things are about to get real.
My name is Spencer. I am a recovering addict, a son of God, and a fighter who intends to win. I've taken hits, but will keep getting back up. I will fight, and win, the hardest war. And with that, I soldier on.
Everybody knows that the hardest war to fight
Is the fight to be yourself
When the voices try to turn you into someone else
-switchfoot
