The Hardest War To Fight

It's been awhile since my last post...like, seriously forever.  Let's just get a couple of things straight right from the get-go: 

     1)  I have not quit on my recovery, though I have been quiet for a little while.  This silence has been    

          calculated and very much on purpose.  

     2)  I'm back, so get over it.  

I think I needed some time to really fuel the fire of my recovery before any further public proclamations of what I'm doing or learning through this insane process.  I've had lots of time now to think, learn, improve, and even mess up a few times.  Alas, I have not been perfect.  I can own up to that bad boy. But the angels in Heaven as my witness, I am working hard to get to where I need to be--harder than I have ever worked before.  

It's been many years coming.  I mean, I've spent a lot of time looking for a reason to be motivated enough to beat my addiction.  I've always known that I need to beat it, and that I would one day conquer it.  I've just never had the self-motivation to really own that recovery all the way.  It's been the classic "I want to want it" scenario going on.  (P.S.  That's a really frustrating place to be, cuz everyone be all like, "Spencer!  You should want it now!" and I'm all like, "I want to want it....but I don't want it yet!"  That's really confusing what I just said, but that's why it's so frustrating.  The end.)  I have a wise friend, though, who for the last several months has told me I would soon find my reason to really WANT recovery.  Like, not just want to play around with the idea of recovering.  This reason would make me want to recover.  All the way.  Like a boss.  

I say that this friend is very wise, because his little prophecy, if I may call it that, has come true.  I have found my reason.  

I'm not here today to talk about my reason.  

Ok, I'll admit, I really wanted an excuse to type a dramatic one-liner right there.  But seriously, I don't want to talk about my reason today.  I want to talk about something entirely different but completely interwoven with the desire to actually recover, and the accompanying motivation to do so: that is the increased and inevitable resistance that tries to stop every forward step and keep me exactly where I'm at and/or tries to push me backwards.

Have you ever found yourself in an intense wind storm; one of those where you can lean into the wind and it will support your body weight?  It's pretty much the funnest thing to do ever, until the wind inexplicably stops blowing and you fall flat on your face.  But that's not the point.  The point is: resistance.  Ever since I found my reason to recover, and was told by God in some pretty audible ways that the time has come to be a boss, the wind has been blowing hard against me; so hard that leaning foward is not even fun because instead I'm under constant threat of getting picked up and blown away into windy oblivion.  

Is this a stressful state to be in?  You bet it is!  It's terrifying!   But there's two things I take from it:  first, I need to be more careful than I ever have been.  My recovery is fragile right now, and will take diligent maintenance to keep it moving in a forward direction.   Second, I must be doing something right, else why would a certain evil jerk (*cough cough Satan*) be wasting his time to come after me and try to throw me off track?  Thus, there is actually a positive side to resistance.  It's really just proof that I'm doing what I need to do.  I'm finally facing the darker side of my life and putting it in its place, one day at a time.  

This is hard to do, though, facing one's personal dark side.  Thus, the hardest war to fight.  I am finally in the hardest stage of addiction recovery, and that is the fight against myself and my personal demons.  The devil and I are putting on a fight show.  Fists are getting wrapped and the spectators are filling the seats.  Maybe it will be shown on pay-per-view!  The point is, it's finally getting real.  He and I stand face-to-face, and the more determined one will emerge the victor.  Good news though!  I have the best coach that one can imagine standing in my corner.  Christ recognizes my weaknesses and is constantly shouting directions and advice to help me deal the better punch or effectively block the attacks coming my way.  He's a coach with high expectations.  He does not intend to see me lose this fight.  But He also recognizes that I may lose a couple rounds.  I may take some hard hits.  He knows I'm not a perfect fighter;  but He's taught me to get back up and fight a better round.  And with His help, I will win.  

It's going to be hard.  I'm not dancing around that.  This will be the hardest thing I have ever accomplished in my life, mostly because now I'm facing my own self-doubts and the demonic voices in my head that scream that I will lose.  I face those voices every day.  Every minute of every day.  But I don't believe I am the only one fighting that fight.  If only we could truly understand what everybody around us is going through.  I suspect that at some point, we all fight those voices and those personal demons.  We're all fighting the hardest war.  But we can emerge victorious.  And I for one intend to do just that.  

I'm not yet where I want to ultimately be.  I'm still in the midst of that process.  But I am on my way.  I feel a determination and drive stronger than I have ever felt before to get to where I need to be.  It's going to be a hard road.  But I will travel it, and I will arrive where God intends me to go.  

Also, it's good to be back.  Expect to hear some more from me in the near future....because things are about to get real.  

My name is Spencer.  I am a recovering addict, a son of God, and a fighter who intends to win.  I've taken hits, but will keep getting back up.  I will fight, and win, the hardest war.  And with that, I soldier on.  

Everybody knows that the hardest war to fight

Is the fight to be yourself

When the voices try to turn you into someone else

-switchfoot 

You Are My Liberty

I'm incredibly grateful to live in a time and place that grants me so much freedom.  I seriously couldn't be any more blessed than I am now.  Every morning I wake up with the opportunity to choose what I will do that day--will I go to school or not?  Will I go to work or not?  What music will I listen to?  Who will I hang out with?  What will I eat?  Will Twinkies be involved?  How many Twinkies will be involved?

There are obvious right/wrong answers to several of the questions above.  Of course there are serious consequences if I choose not to go to school or to skip out on a day of work.  Consequences are a topic for another day though.  Today, I'm simply grateful for the existing ability to choose, a gift that I take for granted on a daily basis.  

For me, it has taken tasting a sampling of bondage to understand how incredible of a gift freedom truly is.  Addiction is a nasty master, and one that does not let go of its slaves easily.  I suspect I have many friends and family who can understand how difficult it is to get out from under the thumb of addiction--whether it's pornography, drugs, alcohol, food, social media, video games, etc, addiction can function to ruin a person's life by consuming every thought, action, and choice.  Once one is far enough into addiction, there is no longer such thing as a choice: one's actions become entirely centered on addictive fulfillment.  That is it.  There is no other option.  The freedom to choose is stolen away. 

But hope is not lost!  This is the beauty of recovery through the Atonement.  No matter the addiction, there is a way out.  Again, the slave master is not an easy one to escape.  It may takes months or years, therapy, group support, and even the loss of friends.  But there's always a light at the end of the dark tunnel of bondage: the light of freedom (that sentence sounded a lot more epic in my head, but let's roll with it).    

I think we all reach our freedom through different conduits.  It's important to distinguish between the means of reaching freedom and the source of the freedom itself.  They are two different things.  For instance, I find a lot of peace in music, both playing it and listening to it.  It can help me sort my thoughts and understand/express my feelings.  It is a powerful conduit to freedom.  It's a path.  But it's not the destination.  Music does not equal freedom, though it does help me to arrive there.  Others I know find great freedom through physical exercise, writing, sports, art, school, and other hobbies/activites.   Again, these are routes to freedom, but cannot function as the actual source of freedom.  None of these things by themselves are enough to truly help one escape addictive bondage.  

The source should be obvious.  You all know me!  Surely you know where I'm going with this by now.  Of course it's God!  There can be no other answer!  There can be no other way out!  God gives us the means to escape addiction; he gives us the skills, hobbies, and activities that give us the strength and the focus to escape.  But He is the source.  He is the escape.  He is the Master--not of slaves, but of free people.  He is our liberty.  

I truly feel bad for people who have no place in their hearts for God.  I just can't imagine life being completely fulfilling without some sort of conviction that there is a loving, omniscient God who cares.  I am grateful that I've been blessed with this conviction.  Heavens only knows I have my fair share of issues that I'm working out; but a firm belief in the existence of God is not one of those.  I know He's there.  Something inside me just knows.  

I hear God in beautiful, uplifting music.  I see Him in the majestic mountains that I've lived beneath for all of my life.  I feel Him in the Spirit that resides in my home.  I hear him in the voices of my mother and father.  I speak to Him through prayer.  He speaks to me through scripture.  He's loves me so much, that despite my overwhelming weakness, he allows me to choose what to do with each moment of my life.  And when I mess up, He doesn't abandon me.  Rather, He picks me up and tells me to keep going.  I find peace and freedom through many different outlets; but only because these outlets lead me to the One Great Being who is the source of freedom.  God is the breaker of chains.  God is the liberator of the addiction-ridden slave.  God is my liberty.  

Incredible progress is being made, and that simply would not happen without the love of God.  And to Him I am eternally grateful.  My name is Spencer.  I am a recovering addict, but a loved son of God who grants me freedom everyday.  With that freedom, I soldier on.  

I set these broken bones to cast

Stitch my wounds with holy sutures

Every saint has got a past

But every sinner's got a future

And only you could free my soul 

-Switchfoot 

The Greatest Men I've Ever Known

Can I start by saying I feel so incredibly blessed?  Seriously though.  As I look at my life, I see a lot of aspects that appear very empty.  I'm working on getting those filled; yet I can't help but be comforted by the notion that everything is going to be ok.  Somehow, despite all the things that are hard and lonely, I sit here knowing that everything will turn out the way it needs to.  I thank God for blessing me with that conviction.  It's what keeps me moving forward everyday.

God truly does know what we need.  I've been amazed to see this in my own life the last couple weeks.  He has given me a few special opportunities to spend time with some incredible friends who have inspired me and blessed me with their strength.  If there is one thing I've come to learn through these visits, it's that nobody is leading a perfect life.  We may put on the mask of perfection around our  friends or family, but behind closed doors we all face struggles that nobody could even dream of.  Life is no respector of persons; difficult things will/do/and are happening to each of us.  

As I walk the trail of my own recovery, I'm learning quickly not to judge other people based on what I observe from the outside.  Granted, I'm not perfect.  I don't forsee myself becoming perfect in the near future.  But I'm trying really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt and understand life from their eyes.  It's so easy to judge somebody based on their life situation, the choices they've made, etc.  One of the greatest ironies of ever, though, is how quick we are to judge one another when heavens only knows what it is we're struggling with in our own lives!  If we could only know, if we could truly understand what each individual around us is going through, I think we would all be ashamed of the judgemental thoughts that had previously passed through our minds.  

Again, I'm learning this lesson all the time because I'm far from perfect at this.  But as I've had the chance to talk to some good friends and hear their stories, I've realized that the greatest men I've ever known in my life are the broken men.  Whether they're broken as a result of their own choices or circumstances outside their control, it doesn't matter.  It's their brokenness, and their willingness to get up and keep pressing forward (sometimes against the waves of naysayers) that inspires me.   

How silly it is to expect our fellow human beings to live at some incredible standard of perfection while we sit by struggling with our own vices!  How silly it is to be soldiers in the single greatest fight over the souls of men and expect our fellow fighters to come out unscathed.  What if Helaman had judged the quality of his stripling warriors based on who had received wounds and who had not?  Not a single one of those soldiers would have remained in his army for long.  Though none of them died, all came out wounded, some having bled to the point of fainting.  Yet he commended each for his strength, for his valor, and for his willingness to continue fighting.  

So it is with life.  Some of us will walk off the battlefield at the end of the day with gaping wounds, and others with scratches.  But both need to be attended to, and both require sympathy from friends.  At the end of the day, though, not one of us will be judged for the wounds inflicted by others or by oneself; rather, we will be judged for a willingness to stand back up, bandage the wounds properly, and get back into the fight.  

To my friends in recovery, I say this: don't hate on yourself for being a wounded fighter.  Get up and bandage that wound (i.e. repentance process man!) and get back into the fight.  And if it takes bandaging wounds over and over again until you figure things out, so be it!  Feeling unworthy for having to repent multiple times is like refusing to cast a broken bone because you've broken several other bones before.  That's just stupid.  So never feel unworthy.

The greatest men I've ever known are fighters.  They've been knocked down, but they get back up.  They don't profess perfection; in fact, sometimes they're far too hard on themselves.  But they keep going.  They keep standing.  They can take hits and deal them back.  And that's why they're the greatest.  I want to be like those men.  Thank you for being my heroes.  

My name is Spencer.  I am a recovering addict, and I hope one day to be a force like the great men and women around me.  And so I soldier on.  

My Life is a Rolling Ball of 'Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?'

Seriously, though.  Have you ever had a moment where you looked back on the recent past of your life and gone, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the flip just happened to me?"  That's been me the last couple of weeks.  This past month has been....a whirlwind to say the least.  It's been hard.  It's been really hard.  I've had moments of intense loneliness and major confusion.  Yet, somehow, I seem to be passing through it.  

In the midst of dealing with all that confusion, I continue to bee-bop my way on through recovery.  In a recent Bishop's assignment, I was instructed to read 2 Nephi 4.  I love this chapter!  Anybody who knows what it's like to stink at something knows that this chapter rocks!  Not only does it offer the comfort that even the most awesome people in the world have struggled with things; but it also teaches that we are strong enough to escape those things!  I just always feel super encouraged when I read it.  I should probably read it more often for that very reason.

Anyways, while reading, I was to look for things that Nephi specifically does/mentions that helped him to draw closer to the Lord.  Imagine my surprise when.....I started learning new things!  Seriously, we talk all the time about how there's always something to learn from the scriptures, no matter how many times we've read them.  I learned so much this particular read-through that I could probably spend a couple posts solely on the learnings thereof.  Instead, I'm going to focus on one principle that stood out to me for the very first time.  

I get the impression from the first 26 verses that Nephi was relatively depressed about whatever things he was working on.  Yeah....been there done that!  It's so easy to say, "Well, I'm done doing this stupid thing now!"  It's so much harder to follow through and actually let it go.  Nephi begins to ask the important questions of himself, though: WHY should I sin?  WHY should I sin and be unhappy?  He reminds us that we hold all the cards; we're only as miserable and as enslaved as we allow ourselves to be.  Finally, Nephi states,  "Rejoice, O my heart..." (vs. 30).  Holy cow....I can be happy?  Even when I'm not perfect?  Even when life is all like "Don't be happy man!"  

As stated, these last four or five weeks have been some of the loneliest weeks of my recent past.  I have spent a lot of time by myself walking, contemplating, and eating Twinkies.  A few days ago, I was involved in such a contemplation walking a path alone on BYU campus.  As I was thinking on the topic of happiness, my mind wandered somewhere to which it wanders often in my quiet moments: Nacho Libre.  Immediately, I thought of the orhpans, bleary-eyed and miserable looking, sitting in class after a terrible breakfast awaiting the announcement from the one round-faced priest dude.  I honestly can't remember all that he said...just the beginning (and this must be imagined in the worst Mexican accent ever): "Orphans, smile and be happy...."  They did not smile.  Nor did they suddenly become happy.  In fact, we wouldn't see legitimate happiness writtin on their faces until they were fed a half decent salad and given a luchador-priest-fat-guy role model to look up to.  Yeah, their lives were hard!  I have unlimited access to good salads no matter how bad my day is!  Zupas is just right down the street.  Granted, I don't have a luchador-priest-fat-guy role model...but still!  Salad!

What is my point?  Looking back on that paragraph, I'm not really sure.  I think what I'm getting at is that we can choose to be happy.  Overcoming the hard times of life isn't about being miserable in the process.  It's about finding joy in the little moments of victory.  It's about drawing closer to friends and family.  It's about finding the path that God wants us to be on.  And God is a God of happiness.  So anything involving Him is meant to be happy--even if it is a struggle.  

Again, these last several weeks have been so hard, and very lonely in a lot of ways.  Yet, as I look back, I see some of the greatest joys a man could ask for.  I've been able to learn what true friendship is.  I am so lucky to have best friends that are also my family.  Thanks for watching out for me guys (you know who you are).  I've been able to participate in music (one of the greatest joys of my life!).  Though it sounds simple to some, playing music for a couple small groups in a local crepe shop has been one of the most liberating experiences for me.  Staying up until 4 am this last Friday working on new songs was equally enjoyable, though I suspect it will be weeks before I recover from that sore lack of sleep.  I've drawn closer to my family these last few weeks, and am so grateful for their love and support.  Most importantly, I've felt God's love for me in ways that I've been missing for some time.  Somehow I know I'm headed in the direction that I need to go, and He's walking with me every step of the way.  

Perhaps one last story to demonstrate my point of happiness in hard times?  Alas, it took place only a couple of hours ago on this fateful Monday morning.  You see, I have a most terrible habit of locking my keys in my truck about once a month.  It's become such a frequent occurence that I've learned to jimmy my back window open with a flathead screwdriver wrapped in cloth, conveniently allowing me to reach the ignition and grab my keys.  Today was no different.  I retrieved a flathead from my work's warehouse and went to work wiggling the back window open.  You need to understand, I'm always terrified that somebody is going to see me in the back of my truck and think I'm trying to break into some random dude's car.  Thus, I try to work as quickly as possible so to avoid any such misunderstanding from taking place.  After all, who would want to tell the cops that they were breaking into their own car on a relatively frequent basis because of an habitual oversight?  Super embarrassing. 

Perhaps this fear of misunderstanding led me to work a little too quickly this morning.  Perhaps the window was particularly frail from the recent morning cold.  Or perhaps I was just stupid.  I like to think it wasn't the last one.  It's no matter now, for as I sat there wiggling the flathead back and forth, my back window suddenly exploded in the most dramatic fashion possible!  I'm not talking a large crack or a single piece coming loose.  I mean, there was noise, there was glass everywhere, and there was Spencer looking terrified and guilty (as if I had a reason to be guilty) all at the same time!  Now, any sane person would've kept their cool, calmly reached for the keys, and acted as if nothing illegal had happened.  This they could do because, frankly, nothing illegal had happened.  But me, in my fit of fear that I might get arrested for something entirely not illegal, looked around to make sure no one was watching, dove in through the back window, grabbed the keys, flew back out of the window, jumped out of the back of the truck, opened the door, started the truck, and pulled out of that place as quickly as possible.  "Geez, man, could you have made yourself look anymore like a thief?" you may be asking.  And I answer: no.  No I could not have.  

I called my mom laughing only minutes later.  It was the most ridiculous situation I've found myself in for awhile now.  I could have been so mad about the broken window.  But at the end of the day, life's just to short to miss the humor in situations like that.  I'm grateful that I'm smiling right now.  I'd rather be happy with a broken window than sad....with a broken window.  The point is, what's done is done.  Choose to be happy and make the best of it!  Laugh when there's reason to laugh.  And this afternoon, I shall officially learn how to tape up a garbage bag over a gaping window-hole.  Good times. 

Wow, that was a long one.  I touched on loneliness, scripture reading, Nacho Libre, music, and broken things all in one post!  I deserve a Twinkie for that.  And if you made it this far, you deserve a Twinkie too.  Seriously, you earned it.  

My name is Spencer.  I am a son of God, a recovering addict, and I'm learning to find the joy of life even in the hardest of times.  And with that, I soldier on.  

The Power of Movement

I find a lot of meaning in the idea of "movement"; moving away from the tension of life; seeking redemption in not just the high, but also the low places.  Redemption moves and lives everywhere.  It's both below me when I fall to the ground and above me when I'm reaching for something higher.  It carries me when I move.  But I must move.  Redeption + movement = freedom.  Each requires the other to meet its full potential.  

And thus I find myself in a different place of recovery than I have ever been before.  The realization is finally striking me that redemption is all around.  But I have to move to access it.  I have to show that I want it, that I would do anything to have it.  I have to show that I am ready to be carried by starting my own walk in the right direction.  

I've been trying so hard to do this recently, and am incredibly blessed to have amazing friends and family helping me along the way.  A good sponsor, in particular, has helped me put together a plan of daily activities (the completion of which I am accountable for at the end of the day) that are helping me access the power of redemption in the small moments of my everyday life.  This plan is fueled by the concept of movement.  I'm accessing the redemption that is available to me by actually doing things.  I must act to recover.  I must move.  

It has been pointed out to me that I have put myself in an interesting position by being so public with the things I struggle with.  I must recover in order to bring hope to those around me who are also struggling.  Failure is not an option; not merely because I need to succeed for my own salvation, but also because I can be an example of success to other fighters.  People need to know that it is possible to beat pornography addiction.  I, with countless other successful men and women, can be that example.  While I have to want to beat it for myself, I'm learning to remember that my fight (and the corresponding success or failure) does and will effect the people around me.  

With that all being said, let me share two points of my daily "plan" that I have found particularly helpful in giving me strength to avoid temptation.  I hope others can seek things that help them to stay strong, just as these ideas have helped me.  

1) Daily Scripture Study and Working of the 12 Steps

I carpool into work with a couple guys who start work an hour and a half before I do.  After dropping them off, I've chosen to utilize my freetime to have a morning study session.  I go through 1-2 chapters of the Book of Mormon every morning.  I listen to the audio of the chapter while following along on my iPad.  I look for points of application as I read and listen.  After this, I do a brief review of the step that I'm working on in the LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery book.  I answer the Study and Understanding questions at the end of the chapter I'm on, and journal about my thoughts and feelings concerning the step.  The scripture study helps me to find a deeper understanding concerning the points of the Atonement; the 12 Steps help me apply these points into my personal struggles.  

2) 2 Hours/Day of Reverent Music

Music plays a huge role in my life.  I love music like I love Twinkies....which is a lot.  To be honest, I love loud music that incorporates mucho electric guitar and drums.  I probably spend too much time with headphones in my ears blaring the wonderful power chord progressions of alternative rock music.  It's not inherently bad music, but also isn't the most reverent stuff I could be listening to.  That being said, I've found incredible strength in taking two hours out of my day to listen to reverent, reflective music.  From 10-11 am and 2-3 pm, I make a point to listen to only quiet hymns that help me focus on the Savior.  This has allowed me to utilize my love of music, yet still give specific time for the Spirit to speak through a quiet means.  I can't even emphasize how powerful this two hours of my day has proven to be.  It's a small thing, but has helped me to keep my focus as the hours of the day move on by.  

There are several other points to my daily plan that I won't share today....mostly because this post is starting to run pretty long.  The point is: movement.  Get up and move.  Do something about your struggles.  This will allow the full power of redemption to enter your life.  

Thanks to everyone who has asked when the next post was coming.  There have been several of you. I have five or six drafts written up from the past couple months that I just haven't felt right about.  Hence, the lack of posts.  I hope they start to become more frequent again, because I enjoy writing them!  Feel free to share your thoughts here, on Facebook, or at soldier.on.blog@gmail.com.  Thank you my friends.  I love you so much!

My name is Spencer.  I am a son of God who is drawing closer to God through movement.  Actual, real, involved movement.  And with that, I soldier on.  

"My friends!  The tension is here.  I dare you to move."  -Jon Foreman of Switchfoot  

Some Random Tidbits

I have a few things to discuss in this particular entry, so excuse the movement through some unrelated subjects.  I just have so much on my mind concerning my recovery, as well as things that I am incredibly grateful for that I would like to express. 

This first one I'm only going to preview.  I would actually like to spend a whole post on it.  But it's been on my mind enough today that I'd like to give anyone else to opportunity to ponder on the concept before I share my full thoughts.  First off, if you have never read Jesus the Christ by James E. Talmage, you are doing your life a serious misjustice.  I joke not!  Get this book and read it.  You can even find it under the "Family" section of the LDS Gospel library app.  But for serious.  Read it.  I give this plug because I have found some very powerful personal insights today from chapter 24, which is entitled "From Sunshine to Shadow".  The first section in this chapter deals with Christ's healing of the youthful demoniac, an account of which can be found in Matthew 17, Mark 9, and Luke 9 of the New Testament.  I would encourage everybody to read this account, and, if possible, the accompanying interpretation from Elder Talmage.  Consider the application in our lives concerning our personal healing.  Whether it be from addiction, abuse, the poor choices of a loved one, a struggling marriage, a wayward child, or a poor habit that one is trying to overcome, we all have wounds that only the Savior can fully heal.  We all have demons that can only be cast out through a cooperative effort between our belief and Christ's power.  I have more thoughts to share, but I will do that next post.     

Nextly, and on an unrelated note, I would like to share my appreciation for my family.  I've been able to spend an incredible few days with them on what will be our last family vacation with our family as we know it.  I'm so grateful for them and the strength they are to me everyday.  I remember once upon a teenage stage, I was pretty much a jerk towards them.  Most of that came from the darkness of my addiction and my constant struggle to wear the mask of secrecy.  Plus, I also had some serious teenage 'tude.  But as I've grown, I've found one of the greatest resources I have in fighting my personal issues comes from the strength of my family relationships.  And I can say (particularly to any teenager who does not believe the words I'm saying), as I've sought to be honest with my parents and loving towards my siblings, I have found a form of freedom that I could have found no other way.  Now I have team members!  I don't have to fight alone.  Sure, sometimes I struggle to utilize my team.  I'd like to think I could do it all by myself.  But that's a rant for another day.  For today, I want them to know how grateful I am for them and the precious time we've had to spend together over this past week.  Thank you family, for your ever constant love.  You're amazing. 

Finally, as I've spent some time this past week mulling over my personal relationship with the Lord, I've been given some unique opportunities to witness the beauty that He places all around me.  In my personal opinion, it's very difficult to deny the existence of a supreme being when I look around me and see vast oceans that extend far beyond the horizon.  The sky, the trees, the mountains, and all other beautiful creations witness to me that there is a God.  I've been able to feel His love for me this past week.  I'd like to report that my new progress along step 3 is going well.  I've learned some significant lessons that will help me to progress.  More on that next post.  

Any thoughts, questions, or comments?  Feel free to share at the bottom of this page.  Anyone can email me at soldier.on.blog@gmail.com.  Thank you all so much for reading and supporting me in my journey.  You're all incredible!

My name is Spencer.  I am a recovering addict, and son of God who is grateful for His Father's blessings.  And with that, I soldier on.  

Trust In God

I have had a couple experiences these past weeks that have led me to better examine my relationship with God.  Upon so doing, I've realized my recovery is not quite as far along as I thought it was.  As stated before, I've been attending recovery meetings for coming up on a year.  The LDS addiction recovery stesp are formatted very similarly to Alcoholics Anonymous: there are 12 steps focused on pulling us out of the selfishness of our addiction, thus leading us to God and to serving our fellow man. I know these steps are inspired.  I've seen good men become great as they follow them.  That being said, I've had the smack in the face telling me that I myself need to follow them better.  

For me, steps 1-3 seemed pretty straightforward.  The first is to be honest with oneself and recognize your own powerlessness against your addiction.  This is meant to prepare you to recognize the importance of God's strength in your life.  I don't think I have an issue with honesty; whether with myself or the peeps around me, I'm pretty much just advertising my life (literally on Facebook every time I write a post!).  Step 2 is hope.  One needs to hope for something better, that recovery will indeed come as the work is put forward.  Step 3 is trust in God.  In theory, one has recognized and honestly acknowledged his powerlessness over his addiction previous to this point.  He is now prepared to accept the love and help of God.  

About a month ago I went ahead and moved on to step 4 thinking that I had the first three steps pretty well figured out.  I'm having the harsh realization that, while I'm getting pretty dang good at honesty and hope, I haven't spent the time necessary to develop a true, deep, and trusting relationship with God.  Sometimes in my mind he's like an abstract presence that is just going to fix my problems if I ask Him enough.  We preach the importance of praying, studying the scriptures, etc.  That's all incredibly important; but I need to put a being on the other side of those actions.  God needs to become more than the words on the page for me.

Don't get me wrong.  I have a faith in God.  I spent two years sharing His gospel with other people whom I've come to love dearly.  I know He loves me, and despite my stubborness, I know He's there.  But sometimes, for whatever crazy weird human reason, that doesn't make it any easier for me to trust Him.  I'm stubborn like a donkey.  I think I can do it all by myself, no help needed.  Well, that philosophy hasn't carried me very far. 

The opening paragraph in Step 3 of the LDS Addiction Recovery manual suggests that, through honesty and hope, we recognize all that God can do for us, and that through His doing, we can be healed.  In return, Step 3 is an opportunity to do the one thing we can do for God in return for the abundance of blessings he will share with us: we could open ourselves up and share our lives with Him.  We could use our agency to draw from His limitless strength rather than yield our limited strength to the devil.  In its purest, most simple essence, we could trust Him.  

To be perfectly honest with you, I have a damaged relationship with God that needs healing; and the damage has nothing to do with anything on His end.  On the contrary, He is doing everything He can on His end to hold onto me.  It's time I shape up and reach back out to Him.  I'm learning right now that, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, my own strength will never be enough to carry me through.  But now it's time I let go of my pride and allow myself to be carried.  So I think I'll be giving Step 4 a raincheck for just a little bit longer to work on the step I never quite finished.  

Thank you for reading, and thanks for your amazing support.  If there is anybody out there who is likewise struggling with addiction, I feel what you're going through!  I've created a new email: soldier.on.blog@gmail.com.  Anybody who may be struggling is welcome to open a correspondence with me at that email.  Sometimes it's nice to have somebody on your side fighting the same fight.  I love you, my friends!  

My name is Spencer.  I am a recovering addict.  And with God on my side, I'll soldier on.