I have had a couple experiences these past weeks that have led me to better examine my relationship with God. Upon so doing, I've realized my recovery is not quite as far along as I thought it was. As stated before, I've been attending recovery meetings for coming up on a year. The LDS addiction recovery stesp are formatted very similarly to Alcoholics Anonymous: there are 12 steps focused on pulling us out of the selfishness of our addiction, thus leading us to God and to serving our fellow man. I know these steps are inspired. I've seen good men become great as they follow them. That being said, I've had the smack in the face telling me that I myself need to follow them better.
For me, steps 1-3 seemed pretty straightforward. The first is to be honest with oneself and recognize your own powerlessness against your addiction. This is meant to prepare you to recognize the importance of God's strength in your life. I don't think I have an issue with honesty; whether with myself or the peeps around me, I'm pretty much just advertising my life (literally on Facebook every time I write a post!). Step 2 is hope. One needs to hope for something better, that recovery will indeed come as the work is put forward. Step 3 is trust in God. In theory, one has recognized and honestly acknowledged his powerlessness over his addiction previous to this point. He is now prepared to accept the love and help of God.
About a month ago I went ahead and moved on to step 4 thinking that I had the first three steps pretty well figured out. I'm having the harsh realization that, while I'm getting pretty dang good at honesty and hope, I haven't spent the time necessary to develop a true, deep, and trusting relationship with God. Sometimes in my mind he's like an abstract presence that is just going to fix my problems if I ask Him enough. We preach the importance of praying, studying the scriptures, etc. That's all incredibly important; but I need to put a being on the other side of those actions. God needs to become more than the words on the page for me.
Don't get me wrong. I have a faith in God. I spent two years sharing His gospel with other people whom I've come to love dearly. I know He loves me, and despite my stubborness, I know He's there. But sometimes, for whatever crazy weird human reason, that doesn't make it any easier for me to trust Him. I'm stubborn like a donkey. I think I can do it all by myself, no help needed. Well, that philosophy hasn't carried me very far.
The opening paragraph in Step 3 of the LDS Addiction Recovery manual suggests that, through honesty and hope, we recognize all that God can do for us, and that through His doing, we can be healed. In return, Step 3 is an opportunity to do the one thing we can do for God in return for the abundance of blessings he will share with us: we could open ourselves up and share our lives with Him. We could use our agency to draw from His limitless strength rather than yield our limited strength to the devil. In its purest, most simple essence, we could trust Him.
To be perfectly honest with you, I have a damaged relationship with God that needs healing; and the damage has nothing to do with anything on His end. On the contrary, He is doing everything He can on His end to hold onto me. It's time I shape up and reach back out to Him. I'm learning right now that, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, my own strength will never be enough to carry me through. But now it's time I let go of my pride and allow myself to be carried. So I think I'll be giving Step 4 a raincheck for just a little bit longer to work on the step I never quite finished.
Thank you for reading, and thanks for your amazing support. If there is anybody out there who is likewise struggling with addiction, I feel what you're going through! I've created a new email: soldier.on.blog@gmail.com. Anybody who may be struggling is welcome to open a correspondence with me at that email. Sometimes it's nice to have somebody on your side fighting the same fight. I love you, my friends!
My name is Spencer. I am a recovering addict. And with God on my side, I'll soldier on.
I enjoyed reading this post Spencer. I have come to believe that most people struggle with trusting God. Most of us believe that He is there but do we believe Him and what He can and wants to do for us?? Too often, as mortals we think we can do most things on our own. The purpose of the veil was to make us forget and our challenge is to remember. Thanks for the reminder! We are not alone physically or spiritually if we choose to ask and believe in the Help that is available. Love, Sis. B
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