To My Mom

Yesterday I had one of those "parent talks".  Those are hard to have.  I know it shouldn't be this way, but through all the years of working through my addiction, my parents have always been the hardest to talk to.  It's not that I want to hide things from them or anything.  I just respect them so much that I worry about constantly disappointing them.  I don't like sharing the things that I've done poorly on, especially when they're the same things that I've done poorly on about a bajillion times in the past.  It must be frustrating for them.  I know it's frustrating for me.  Yet, at the end of every one of our interviews, I always feel their love and support; for that, I am grateful.  

Today is Mother's Day.  I feel strongly to share my feelings for my mother.  She has been an anchor to me throughout my life, even outside working through this addiction.  She's always a willing, listening ear; she's compassionate beyond belief; she works incredibly hard to provide a clean, beautiful, and comfortable home for us to return to each day; she helps with homework, prepares meals, runs errands, takes us to the doctor, and arranges fun activities. In short, she sacrifices time, energy, and personal interests to look out for the well-being of her family.  

Where would I be without the compassion of my mom? I hate to even think of the answer, but I know much of the credit for my willingness to face the things I do wrong goes to the love of my mother.  I can still distinctly remember the first time my parents became aware of my struggles as a young teen.  My dad was the first to speak to me, agreeing to talk to my mom to give her the heads-up.  I sat in my basement bedroom as they talked upstairs, dreading the imminent discussion I was going to have with my mother.  I was ashamed and disgusted that I had acted against the pure virtue that emnates from my mom.  When my dad came to get me, telling me my mom wanted to talk with me now, I cried and refused to go upstairs.  The thought of admitting to my mom what I had done was more than I could bear.  It took several minutes to convince me to go talk to my mom.  Naturally, she responded with pure love and understanding, as she has ever since then.  It is this kindness that has given me such powerful motivation to become a better person with every passing day.  

To this day I still struggle to include my mom in my day-to-day struggles.  Yesterday she made me promise that I would do better at this.  I know she loves me and wants to help.  I want to give her that opportunity, even though it scares the living bajeebies out of me.  In an October 1973 General Conference talk entitled "Behold Thy Mother", then-Elder Thomas S. Monson stated, "Men turn from evil and yield to their better natures when mother is remembered."  He went on to share the following story:

"A famed officer from the Civil War period, Colonel Higgenson, when asked to name the incident of the Civil War that he considered the most remarkable for bravery, said that there was in his regiment a man whom everybody liked, a man who was brave and noble, who was pure in his daily life, absolutely free from dissipations in which most of the other men indulged. One night at a champagne supper, when many were becoming intoxicated, someone in jest called for a toast from this young man. Colonel Higgenson said that he arose, pale but with perfect self-control, and declared: “Gentlemen, I will give you a toast which you may drink as you will, but which I will drink in water. The toast that I have to give is, ‘Our mothers.’” Instantly a strange spell seemed to come over all the tipsy men. They drank the toast in silence. There was no laughter, no more song, and one by one they left the room. The lamp of memory had begun to burn, and the name of “Mother” touched every man’s heart."

The name of my mother gives me incredible strength.  I will make further commitment to include her in my life, the good and the bad.  Her incredible strength and spirituality will continue to strengthen me.  I thank her for loving me no matter what and believing in me despite my weakness.  I love you so much, mom.  

President Monson finished his 1973 talk with this statement: "May each of us treasure this truth; one cannot forget mother and remember God. One cannot remember mother and forget God. Why? Because these two sacred persons, God and mother, partners in creation, in love, in sacrifice, in service, are as one."  

My name is Spencer.  I am a son of God and a recovering addict.  I love my mom so much and credit her for much of my strength and determination.  And with that, I soldier on.