Honesty Heals

I write this, not because it is easy for me, or even because I want to write this.  This is the most terrifying thing I've ever done.  What you will all think of this, I know not. But I follow in the footsteps of brave men and women whom I have had the great privilege of personally knowing--men and women who have not only owned up to their inner demons, but have done so in the blaring light of the public eye.  I have long wished to be as strong as these amazing people.  I hope that sharing my story brings me even a little closer to that goal.  

"Hi.  My name is Spencer.  I am a grateful son of God, and I am a recovering addict from pornography."  I've said that phrase almost once a week for the past eight or nine months.  I'm incredibly grateful for the group of men (whom I would call friends and brothers) in my Wednesday night support group who have listened to my weekly rantings.  It is there that I have found a compassion coming from men who are just as acquainted with hell as I am.  It's comforting to know that I'm not alone.  It's comforting to know that others struggle, and that many are successfully conquering their addiction every day.  If they can do it, surely I can.  

I began attending group willingly and on my own, and pretty much loved it from the moment my first session it began.  I truly can say I've felt Christ's purest love while in a room of some the most broken men I know (myself included).  I've made friends who can relate in ways I that I never thought anybody could relate to me.  Tonight (29 Apr 2014), I will begin attending a second group.  I anticipate a powerful, spiritual surge as I begin attending  two meetings in one week. If anyone who happens to read this would like to attend with me, please let me know. Like me, you will find great strength there.  I also see a therapist frequently, have a willing and loving sponsor, and an amazing family that has stood by me through thick and thin.

So why the blog?  I'm not a blog person.  I hate how dramatic I sound when I write.  Seriously, I don't mean to sound all apocalyptic.  But it just happens!  Anywho, the blog has been a long time coming.  I've tossed around some ideas over the past 6 months, but have scrapped them pretty quick.  But this past month has been another slip into some difficulties after a year of solid (though admittedly slow) progression.  I'm scared by this last month.  In fact, I hate what this last month has done to me.  So it comes to this blog and complete, open disclosure.  We are as sick as our secrets; and if honesty is the healing balm for a sickness long-endured, then let's slather on the honesty.  I will let the world know that I struggle with and that I fight pornography addiction; sometimes I lose, but a lot of the time I win.  I'm tired of the losing parts…it's time for those to go away.  The fight is never so dark that we must give up, though.  I'm learning that everyday of my life.  And so I will move forward.  Sometimes you've just got to put the right in front of the left and soldier on; if that's all you can do, then that's good enough. 

My name is Spencer.  I am a son of God and a recovering addict.  I have about an hour of sobriety and a hope for something better.  And with that, I soldier on.