My Life is a Rolling Ball of 'Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?'

Seriously, though.  Have you ever had a moment where you looked back on the recent past of your life and gone, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the flip just happened to me?"  That's been me the last couple of weeks.  This past month has been....a whirlwind to say the least.  It's been hard.  It's been really hard.  I've had moments of intense loneliness and major confusion.  Yet, somehow, I seem to be passing through it.  

In the midst of dealing with all that confusion, I continue to bee-bop my way on through recovery.  In a recent Bishop's assignment, I was instructed to read 2 Nephi 4.  I love this chapter!  Anybody who knows what it's like to stink at something knows that this chapter rocks!  Not only does it offer the comfort that even the most awesome people in the world have struggled with things; but it also teaches that we are strong enough to escape those things!  I just always feel super encouraged when I read it.  I should probably read it more often for that very reason.

Anyways, while reading, I was to look for things that Nephi specifically does/mentions that helped him to draw closer to the Lord.  Imagine my surprise when.....I started learning new things!  Seriously, we talk all the time about how there's always something to learn from the scriptures, no matter how many times we've read them.  I learned so much this particular read-through that I could probably spend a couple posts solely on the learnings thereof.  Instead, I'm going to focus on one principle that stood out to me for the very first time.  

I get the impression from the first 26 verses that Nephi was relatively depressed about whatever things he was working on.  Yeah....been there done that!  It's so easy to say, "Well, I'm done doing this stupid thing now!"  It's so much harder to follow through and actually let it go.  Nephi begins to ask the important questions of himself, though: WHY should I sin?  WHY should I sin and be unhappy?  He reminds us that we hold all the cards; we're only as miserable and as enslaved as we allow ourselves to be.  Finally, Nephi states,  "Rejoice, O my heart..." (vs. 30).  Holy cow....I can be happy?  Even when I'm not perfect?  Even when life is all like "Don't be happy man!"  

As stated, these last four or five weeks have been some of the loneliest weeks of my recent past.  I have spent a lot of time by myself walking, contemplating, and eating Twinkies.  A few days ago, I was involved in such a contemplation walking a path alone on BYU campus.  As I was thinking on the topic of happiness, my mind wandered somewhere to which it wanders often in my quiet moments: Nacho Libre.  Immediately, I thought of the orhpans, bleary-eyed and miserable looking, sitting in class after a terrible breakfast awaiting the announcement from the one round-faced priest dude.  I honestly can't remember all that he said...just the beginning (and this must be imagined in the worst Mexican accent ever): "Orphans, smile and be happy...."  They did not smile.  Nor did they suddenly become happy.  In fact, we wouldn't see legitimate happiness writtin on their faces until they were fed a half decent salad and given a luchador-priest-fat-guy role model to look up to.  Yeah, their lives were hard!  I have unlimited access to good salads no matter how bad my day is!  Zupas is just right down the street.  Granted, I don't have a luchador-priest-fat-guy role model...but still!  Salad!

What is my point?  Looking back on that paragraph, I'm not really sure.  I think what I'm getting at is that we can choose to be happy.  Overcoming the hard times of life isn't about being miserable in the process.  It's about finding joy in the little moments of victory.  It's about drawing closer to friends and family.  It's about finding the path that God wants us to be on.  And God is a God of happiness.  So anything involving Him is meant to be happy--even if it is a struggle.  

Again, these last several weeks have been so hard, and very lonely in a lot of ways.  Yet, as I look back, I see some of the greatest joys a man could ask for.  I've been able to learn what true friendship is.  I am so lucky to have best friends that are also my family.  Thanks for watching out for me guys (you know who you are).  I've been able to participate in music (one of the greatest joys of my life!).  Though it sounds simple to some, playing music for a couple small groups in a local crepe shop has been one of the most liberating experiences for me.  Staying up until 4 am this last Friday working on new songs was equally enjoyable, though I suspect it will be weeks before I recover from that sore lack of sleep.  I've drawn closer to my family these last few weeks, and am so grateful for their love and support.  Most importantly, I've felt God's love for me in ways that I've been missing for some time.  Somehow I know I'm headed in the direction that I need to go, and He's walking with me every step of the way.  

Perhaps one last story to demonstrate my point of happiness in hard times?  Alas, it took place only a couple of hours ago on this fateful Monday morning.  You see, I have a most terrible habit of locking my keys in my truck about once a month.  It's become such a frequent occurence that I've learned to jimmy my back window open with a flathead screwdriver wrapped in cloth, conveniently allowing me to reach the ignition and grab my keys.  Today was no different.  I retrieved a flathead from my work's warehouse and went to work wiggling the back window open.  You need to understand, I'm always terrified that somebody is going to see me in the back of my truck and think I'm trying to break into some random dude's car.  Thus, I try to work as quickly as possible so to avoid any such misunderstanding from taking place.  After all, who would want to tell the cops that they were breaking into their own car on a relatively frequent basis because of an habitual oversight?  Super embarrassing. 

Perhaps this fear of misunderstanding led me to work a little too quickly this morning.  Perhaps the window was particularly frail from the recent morning cold.  Or perhaps I was just stupid.  I like to think it wasn't the last one.  It's no matter now, for as I sat there wiggling the flathead back and forth, my back window suddenly exploded in the most dramatic fashion possible!  I'm not talking a large crack or a single piece coming loose.  I mean, there was noise, there was glass everywhere, and there was Spencer looking terrified and guilty (as if I had a reason to be guilty) all at the same time!  Now, any sane person would've kept their cool, calmly reached for the keys, and acted as if nothing illegal had happened.  This they could do because, frankly, nothing illegal had happened.  But me, in my fit of fear that I might get arrested for something entirely not illegal, looked around to make sure no one was watching, dove in through the back window, grabbed the keys, flew back out of the window, jumped out of the back of the truck, opened the door, started the truck, and pulled out of that place as quickly as possible.  "Geez, man, could you have made yourself look anymore like a thief?" you may be asking.  And I answer: no.  No I could not have.  

I called my mom laughing only minutes later.  It was the most ridiculous situation I've found myself in for awhile now.  I could have been so mad about the broken window.  But at the end of the day, life's just to short to miss the humor in situations like that.  I'm grateful that I'm smiling right now.  I'd rather be happy with a broken window than sad....with a broken window.  The point is, what's done is done.  Choose to be happy and make the best of it!  Laugh when there's reason to laugh.  And this afternoon, I shall officially learn how to tape up a garbage bag over a gaping window-hole.  Good times. 

Wow, that was a long one.  I touched on loneliness, scripture reading, Nacho Libre, music, and broken things all in one post!  I deserve a Twinkie for that.  And if you made it this far, you deserve a Twinkie too.  Seriously, you earned it.  

My name is Spencer.  I am a son of God, a recovering addict, and I'm learning to find the joy of life even in the hardest of times.  And with that, I soldier on.