Love Yourself Too

I would imagine that at some point in our lives, we have all felt beat down to almost nothing.  Life is a crazy thing, isn't it?  We're all fighting some sort of battle; maybe some more than others, but that doesn't mean life is easy for anybody.  I'm a firm believer that behind every closed door and every pair of closed eyes, there is a battle being waged.  Every individual has a struggle; every family has a crisis; every community has a tragedy; the world in general is a place wrought with tension.  Surely it's impossible to live in this world without some sort of conflict, whether internal or external.

What's truly amazing to me is how incapable we are of perceiving each other's struggles and seeing only each other's successes; yet we do the exact opposite for ourselves.  Even as I sit here in a McDonald's typing this paragraph, the people around me look normal and happy.  From the outside, there truly appears to be nothing wrong.  Now I'm not here to advocate an open broadcast of each person's struggles.  That certainly is not appropriate, nor would it be helpful in every individual case.  What I am here to suggest is that we need to avoid the tendency to compare our internal conflicts with the seemingly external perfection of the people around us. 

I can speak on this because I am the pro at personal unfair comparisons.  I rake myself over the coals daily for the internal turmoil and temptations I am fighting everyday.  I have a tendency to define myself based on the mistakes I make, the relapses I have, or the inappropriate thoughts that pass through my head.  I have a very difficult time taking into consideration the many successes and victories I experience in my day-to-day existence.  And then, to make matters worse, I compare that messed-up, troubled, lustful Spencer to the outwardly happy, perfect, and life-enjoying people that I interact with everyday.  It's almost impossible for me to comprehend their problems because, like me, they generally are internal and private.  

Now tell me, how is this kind of comparison fair?  I'm speaking to anybody who knows what it feels like to feel like a nobody because it seems like everybody is doing better than you.  You know that feeling.  How can your inwardly messed-up person ever own up to the outwardly perfect people around you?  I'm here to say that it can't, but it's not fair to ever expect it to.  We all struggle and we all fight.  This is a fact of life, and it's time that we stop hating ourselves for it!  My call today is not for compassion to one another; it's for compassion to ourselves.  It's time we learn to love ourselves for our successes and victories, and stop hating ourselves for our losses and bad days, especially when we're comparing those losses to others' successes.  While it is incredibly important to love other people (and it's through doing so that we will find great strength in overcoming our own weaknesses), there is an important first step that needs to be taken, and that's learning to love oneself first.  In the war that I'm fighting, that's definitely one of the battles that I have yet to conquer.  I talked last pose about my growing ability to feel compassion towards other people.  I haven't found that same kind of compassion for myself yet.  But it's something I'm looking for, and I know that learning to love myself is just as important to my recovery as learning to love other people.  

My name is Spencer.  I am a recovering addict and a son of God who is learning to love himself again.  And with that, I soldier on.